BUT OH MY FUCK WAS I WRONG
After watching the trailer and seeing that strange pile of people trying to get over a common wall, I naturally assumed it was just a bunch of puny humans trying to run away from something threatening their shitty existence.
BOY WAS I WRONG AGAIN
So here I fucking go.
(note how I have been polite enough to put this into a list for increased ease of readability your welcome)
1. How the Disease actually came about.
wow thanks writers for making this information so clear to us.
If you yourselves don't really know how this thing that happens in the movie is possible, then how can we? Gene mutation? Zombie escaped ground and the rest is history? No? Do you need more time?
Too late the fucking film has already been released.
"Oh yeah it doesn't matter because there's still the sequel we can explain it then haha."
No it doesn't matter you're still late as fuck.
2. How long it took for New York to realise there was a fucking Zombie Apocalypse in process on the other side of the world.
Isn't New York supposed to be really developed and up to date etc? Would there or would there not be people who have casual mates or business contacts that could possibly inform them on something vital like how masses of people are being bitten and given rabies-like but (by fucking far) worse symptoms by none other than zombies? Is this not news that would interest people? Not only as a bit of juicy gossip but also to save their actual lives in the near future?
If those fucking crazy things were running around like that in China from the beginning, don't you think someone important may have noticed? China may be a developing country, but it does have television and social media and I'm sure they would have the chance to tweet about how a zombie is fucking eating someone next to them before things get out of hand in the way they did in that movie.
3. The military doesn't understand their enemy?
Are you fucking kidding me? I saw how those crazy shits (e.g. Gerry) were shooting them in the head in Korea and they died right before my eyes. It's basic procedure. That's how you'd kill anyone or anything else. The military would have been smart enough to figure out that those zombies were humans at some stage in their lives. They'd still have, what do you call it?
Brains.
Organisms do not function without brains, you dumb fictional shits.
4. That dumbass zombie that caused the plane crash
Ok fine I know it's a zombie and probably has no control of itself but it's still an idiot.
BUT THE POINT IS:
How did the zombie even end up on that plane in the first place?
Surely that dodgy cabin crew would have checked all the rooms in a zombie infested world before take off? If there were a zombie on the plane, wouldn't someone have noticed before being hours into the flight? If that guy had been turned into a zombie on the plane, wouldn't there be another zombie around there somewhere? (WHERE YOU FUCKIN AT ZOMBIE #2) Or did some arse brained person somehow manage to trap it in that room and be great enough not to tell anybody?
I think not.
I think not.
5. HOW CAN ZOMBIES EVEN EXIST
- Hey remember when that dumbfuck dog caught rabies and then the next day all the other dogs had rabies too and there were only like 4 lonely dog survivors plotting a plan to kill all the rabies dogs?
Oh that never happened? woops.
BITING IS THE SHITTIEST AND MOST INEFFICIENT WAY
TO SPREAD A DISEASE
The best diseases, like the flu, work in a ninja-like way by passing their badness on invisibly.
Not fucking appearing next to a victim noticeably blood thirsty and spazzing out madly like a crazy ape.
- If humans are good at anything, it's just fucking murdering everyone.
I mean we've made innocent species cease to exist without even trying. Someone's bound to shoot a zombie if they have the chance to. People wouldn't freeze in their steps like idiots, they'd pull out their guns and fucking kill those mathafackas. They don't stand a chance mwahahahahaha.
Plus, if we look at zombies as a species, they are pretty much designed for failure. (hahahahaha)
Their main form of reproduction is also their only source of food and their top predator. If they want to eat or reproduce, they have to actually make contact with their number one predator.
Humans have rifles, baby.
- They have too many enemies. (hateful bastards)
Why do you think humans are at the 'top of the food chain'?
*hint: It's not because we're hard to kill. (Look at us we're just fleshy sacks waiting to be consumed)
IT'S BECAUSE WE'RE SO GOOD AT KILLING
We are simply too smart and too well-armed for any organism (this word is so fucking funny because it sounds like orgasm ahhhahaha) to hunt. Now consider the stupid (minor specie) zombie. It lacks every single advantage that has kept humanity from being eaten to extinction. It wanders around in the open like a dumbass, it's too moronic to use weapons, it can't think or use strategy (haha fuck you zombie). It doesn't even have the sense of self preservation to run and hide when it's in danger (pahahaha).
And, it's made entirely out of food. It's easy prey for any animal that wants it. (HAHAHAHAHA)
Not to mention all those icky maggots and terrifying animals like rhinoceroses and elephants.
We'd finally have a disease that Africa is better suited to than the rest of the world to defend itself against. (I still fucking hate zombies)
- Heat will destroy them.
Imagine a load of zombies in Africa. Yeah you won't have to for long because of this beautiful thing called putrification. (I highly recommend looking it up it's hilarious ahahaha)
They'd just explode basically, the dumbasses.
- It's just common sense.
I'm not trying to be a massive, horrible killjoy with this bitchy little post of mine, but as I mentioned before, I am trying to regain my state of mind as I am still suffering.
The movie had cool graphics and stuff and my gay best friend kept swooning (campy) about Brad Pitt (he's fucking married get a grip), but I still fucking hate zombies.
Watch the movie anyway.
PS:
On the way out we decided we should turn into zombies and frantic running into walls head-first is what was involved in this characterisation.
My friends headbutted a soft wall but I headbutted a concrete wall on accident.
That is all.
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